The One with Jerry Springer
by justmypename
Summary: Random One Shot - Edwards bachelor party goes astray - but who booked the Stripper? Sorry if you dont like it - fancied being random today : After Eclipse but before Breaking Dawn.


_How the hell did I end up here?_

"Edward, what's your side?" Asked Jerry.

"Please don't ask him that." I piped up, and everyone was looking at me.

"Oh here we go again!" Edward exclaimed, throwing up his arms. "Always holding me back."

"When have I ever held you back?" I asked outraged.

"A few weeks ago in the woods?" He said in a mocking voice.

"Leave her alone Edward." Alice said, rolling her eyes.

"Don't get involved." Jasper whispered to her, they smiled at each other.

"I want to hear Edwards side!" Emmett complained from the other side of the room.

"Yeah! It wasn't Emmett's fault!" Rosalie agreed.

"When did I hold you back in the woods?" I asked again. Edward went to reply when Esme piped up.

"I think it was both of your faults." She said.

"I don't think so!" Edward scoffed.

"Oh really?" Emmett said, standing up.

"Yeah." Edward said, mirroring him. They walked up to each other and rolled up their sleeves, ready to attack.

"Really really?"

"Yeah yeah."

"Really?"

"I knew this would happen." Alice said exasperated.

"Oh believe me. I know you knew." Edward retorted. I realised that Carlisle was holding the bridge of his nose with his finger and his thumb.

"JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!" The crowd yelled.

"Ok guys." Jerry Springer said, beckoning Edward and Emmett to sit down. They did so reluctantly, and Jerry turned to the cameras. "Hey America! If you have just joined us, I am here with Rosalie and Jasper Hale, and Edward, Emmett, Carlisle and Esme Cullen. Next to Edward is his girlfriend, Isabella Swan. Now, today, we are faced with the issue of Edwards Bachelor party! He reluctantly gave into Jasper and Emmett's wishes last week, but with a cost! All three of them got hammered, a stripper came and made out with Jasper - "

"SHE MADE OUT WITH YOU? YOU SAID IT WAS EDWARD!" Alice yelled at terrified Jasper. She evidently hadn't seen that in the future.

"Carrying on. Then the stripper went almost all the way with Emmett, and all this time Edward was drinking, and flirting with a man." I rolled my eyes at the ridiculousness of the story again. I knew Edward hadn't meant to but still. Even a vampire shouldn't get _that_ drunk. "Now, the issue here is – who ordered the stripper? Emmett or Edward? Lets find out! Edward. What is your side of the story?"

"I didn't want one anyway!" He yelled. "And the man thing, I thought it was Bella." There was a gasp in the audience and I turned to look at him.

"So I look like a man?" I asked. He suddenly looked wide-eyed.

"No, a man looks like a woman. And I was drunk!"

"You shouldn't have been drinking in the first place Edward! You know our rules!" Esme yelled at him. Carlisle was still holding his head in his hands.

"Hang on." Rosalie said, interjecting. "Did he say you almost went all the way with the stripper?" She said, her face right in front of Emmett's. He looked wide eyed.

"Can we just get on with the whole who's fault that the stripper was there thing please?" I asked desperately.

"It wasn't me." Emmett and Edward said defiantly together.

"OK OK!" Jasper said, standing up. Suddenly the whole room was calm. "Alice, Jerry got it wrong. I didn't make out with the stripper, Emmett made that up, I promise. I only see you." The whole crowd 'awwwd'.

"I only see Bella too." Edward said calming down. He held my hand. Everyone, including Rosalie, looked expectantly at Emmett. He was staring into space. He then realised that everyone was staring at him.

"What?" he said, holding his hands in front of him. "I ordered the bachelor party. I didn't order the stripper."

"Wrong answer." Rosalie said, sitting back into her chair.

"I admit." Carlisle spoke for the first time. "That I ordered the stripper." Everyone gasped but Edward didn't look surprised. "I thought its what you kids do these days." Everyone thought about this and agreed with him. Jerry stared at us in awe and wondered how everything had been resolved with such calmness.

"Wait wait. Cut." He said holding his hands up to the camera. "No one is going to take off their tops?" We all shook our heads. "No one is going to hit someone?" Again we all shook our heads. "And no one is going to admit to an affair of some kind?" For the third time, we all shook our heads. "Well this isn't going to air then. The worst show I have ever recorded! You lot go, and bring on the woman who had twins with two different fathers." The crowd cheered and we where ushered off the stage.

I was not looking forward to the car journey home.


End file.
